Fire Fly Feast Camo

Six zebras pull a gold encrusted carriage with blacked out windows though the parting crowd. When it stops swaying back and forth a footman flips down some steps and opens the carriage door. From the darkness emerges a chubby man in a purple cassock clutching an ornate bowl to his chest, he is the high priest and the Fire Fly King's top food taster.

He waddles over to the podium, ignoring the crowd who are now kneeling all around, focusing more on stabbing something in his bowl. Suddenly he catches one and stuffs it in his mouth, you hear a crunch like fresh carrot as another jumps from his bowl, lands on your arm and then jumps off again to freedom!

That was a locust, just like a big cricket! And the high priest crunches further which makes you start to feel a little unwell, but then you realise everyone else is kneeling, perhaps it would be best if you kneeled too?

(All kneel)

Then the high priest speaks, mouth open and chock full of locust, he chomps away like a washing machine and begins to speak.

'I am the high priest, and it is my ordained task to preside over my lord, The Fire Fly King's dinners.'

'It is decreed' he says 'that The Fire Fly King must never, ever' and he waits a second before continuing, 'EVER eat the same meal twice, if he were to do so, then a terrible calamity would befall [add?] him.'

He pauses for a moment scanning the crowd, his tiny dark eyes deep set in a pudgy white face, looking like bright beads pushed into wet clay.

'YOU have been chosen as the King's sacred tasters' and he points at you with his chubby fingers.
'YOU have been trusted with the King's life.'
'YOU will choose a single meal which the Fire Fly King has NEVER tasted before.'
He then stabs at his bowl making the point that if you choose badly then you will be skewered just like one of his locusts!

'Chosen tasters' he says, 'all rise'

(Everyone stand up)

A ceremonial knife longer than your arm and encrusted with jewels from hilt to tip is placed in priests hand.

With a lazy motion he raises it then brings it down onto a taught ribbon which has the effect of three actions at the same time. Firstly a flag raises up a pole, then a bronze bell is cut loose and swings sharply back and forth reverberating throughout the field. Then finally an hour glass is turned, its sand beginning to pour from one chamber to the other, giving you just an hour to complete the task ahead.

It is the signal you have been waiting for, so you pick up your notes and head over to the chefs and their kitchens throughout the arena. Your team must choose a dish of food which the King has never eaten before, but you wonder just how on earth are you going to do that!

Now take your marking sheet and head out to the field kitchens to find something unusual to offer.

As you approach the tables there are two young men sitting on stools playing flutes. The table has been removed and in its place a huge copper pan over hot coals being raked back and forth. The chef is leaning over the oil in to which he gently drops triangle packages of pastry.

Whilst the food is cooking there is a magic trick where a very large rabbit seems to pull a full grown man dressed as a magician from a top hat.

But the food is quick to arrive on a miniature steam train and on top of each carriage sits a set of steaming hot Samosas. You lift a couple off and then dip one into a black tarry sauce also on a carriage.

You take a nibble off one corner and the flavour hits you immediately, it's so sweet but followed by a sensation not too dissimilar from fireworks going off on your taste buds, it is amazing! It feels like your tongue is dancing with all the crazy samosa flavours they are so fabulous. The chef hands you a fizzy blue drink and that cools all the flavours off immediately.

What do you think of this food, write your feedback on your sheet before you move on.

As you approach the kitchen there are parts of cars everywhere, wheels, hub caps, even steering wheels. A waiter guides you to a seat which was once from an old van but is very comfy. A napkin is placed on your knees and a tiny bowl no bigger than an egg cup placed in front of you. There is also a spoon which would be better served in a dolls house it's so small.

You see the chef leaning around a truck gear box trying to see if you approve and the waiter lifts the tiny spoon and puts it in your hand, it would appear they are expecting you to eat with it!

The food in the tiny bowl looks like mustard or worse, ear wax, so are very cautious taking a little, but you dig the spoon in and then lift it to your nose for a sniff before popping it in your mouth.

The flavour is exceptional, filling your whole body with warmth from the inside out, so you take another tiny taste. The second is even better than the first as the flavour seems to sparkle on your tongue, it is amazing and before you know it the weird waxy paste is all eaten up.

The chef then comes over with a car window screen and explains.

'We take wasps which get squashed onto car window screens and add a little,' he then waves his hands in a circular motion before saying 'flourish.'

'OK, are you saying this soup has been made from bugs scraped off car window screens?'

'Yes' he says very proudly, 'but we also add the stings of 17 wasps to give it a zing!'

This sounds crazy, but it did taste good, now fill in the details on your voting slip before you move on.

As you approach the table you see the chef busy stirring a huge pan, he grinds pepper and chops herbs and throws them in the mix and then you see him add the essential ingredient, termites! Not too many, but they squirm and slither in the pan as the heat is turned up.

In just a few minutes the wriggling mass is steaming well and he pours it into a pie base, adds a pie crust and then slides it into his oven. In the same movement he pulls out another which he prepared earlier.

It is brought over and a single slice is placed on your plate with a sprig of mint and a large glass of an orange cloudy drink.

You take a mouthful knowing what's inside, expecting it to taste earthy and dull, but it tingles on your tongue and tastes more like eating a summers day. The flavour is fabulous and you take another forkful, the termites are glistening in the gravy, but it tastes just as good as the last mouthful, incredible.

What do you think of this food, write your feedback on your sheet before you move on.

As you approach the stall, conveyer belts move across the table with little plastic domes on, beneath each is a sushi dish and you reach for the one marked lettuce and slug sushi as it looks the least revolting!

You lift the dome and surprisingly the smell reminds you of rose petals on a summers evening, not at all what you were expecting.

You wrap the lettuce leaf around the green paste which you know is made of slugs and take a bite. Your teeth crunch though the outer leaf and then release the flavours inside, they are incredible. The first flavour is electric a little like licking a 9 volt battery, but it is quickly followed by a deeper one not too unlike drinking cola bottle sweets. They fizz and zing on your tongue and you find yourself reaching for a second dome just like the first.

What do you think of this food, write your feedback on your sheet before you move on.

As you approach the table you see the chef wielding a chain saw cutting at a huge block of ice. Water and ice is cut away left and right as the sculpture emerges, first you think it's a dolphin then possibly a prawn until at last you see the unmistakable shape of a cockroach. The speed at which the chef works is astounding and he drills holes for the eyes and brings it over to your table.

Taller than you, the cockroach looks brilliant but then a silver bowl is placed beneath and a jug with thin pink custard is poured over the top. Slowly it gets thicker and gloopier as it cools until it freezes solid like big globs of candle wax.

The chef then takes a knife and delicately slices thin sections of the custard and ice sculpture into the bowl which is then placed in front of you.

You take a tiny piece and the flavour explodes on your tongue, though not in a bad way. A little like cookies and spring onion crisps all mixed up, but sweeter so you have a little more. The next bite is just as marvelous, it tastes like a sunset if that were possible. Wow, is all you can say, before wiping your mouth with the napkin.

What do you think of this food, write your feedback on your sheet before you move on.

As you approach the table you see the chef baking muffins, some are pink, some yellow, some green, and all are laid in a circle making a huge pyramid. As you get closer you can see that the most amazing moth wings are being used to decorate the tops of each muffin.

The chef is using fine tweezers and a team of helpers to organise each cake one after the other. The effect is stunning and when it's finished it looks like the whole display could float away on its moth wings.

You sit at the table as a waiter brings you a fresh muffin, the top is encrusted with moths wings, gold green and blue and each dusted with curious silver powder. The waiter then blows a tiny whistle which makes a really high pitched noise and all the moths wings on both the pyramid and your cake begin to beat. First slowly then a little quicker, it looks like they are truly alive!

You have no choice but to take a bite and the fluttering wings tickle your nose as you do so. It is soft with a moist core but the flavour is amazing, not heavy but refreshing like a starry night or a swim in a clear blue lake.

You then have a little water to refresh your mouth before trying another.

This one is strong and meaty in flavour, a little but like liver or steak and kidney pie, it is great, though you do prefer the sweet one.

What do you think of this food, write your feedback on your sheet before you move on.

Back at the podium the flag is lowered as the last grain of rice falls through the hour glass timer. The high priest is reclining on plump purple cushions looking fat and bored.

There is one long table set out in a line in front of him and you place your offering on it. As you do this three servants wheel over a small crane which they maneuver over the priest and begin to clip into his reclining cushions. At a simple nod they hoist him up until his feet begin to dangle then move him over to the offerings, yours is last in line.

The first one reads 'Sticky Ant Pant Pudding' and a servant then puts a fork into the gooey cake and feeds the priest just like a baby, but the priest doesn't chew for long, he spits it out into a waiting copper dish.
'8th August, St Pucid the unfortunates celebratory dinner, second sitting' he says followed by the word 'execute.'

Is that the date the King gets to eat this you think? But no, as guards approach and drag the team of sacred tasters away in a very rough fashion indeed!

Next up is 'Woodlouse Falafel' and again the same thing happens.

A fork of the food is lifted into the priests mouth, he tastes it for just a second then spits it out before saying a date 'the King ate this on the 6th September, St Leonids celebrations, fourth sitting.' Then he says once again 'execute.'

Guards approach the quivering servants as they begin to plead for their lives!

'Next' and the crane swings the high priest down the table, dish after dish is tasted, and after each a date and celebration reeled off when the King ate this before, followed by the terrible word 'execute!'

Next up is 'Wire Worm Waffles' it's the last one before yours and is a beautiful plate of mini waffles, drizzled with a glistening fiery sauce which is steaming nicely and looking rather appealing. The worms themselves are quite easy to see and the priest readies himself for more disappointment.

He sips a glass of water to clear his pallet as a fork of waffle is placed in his mouth. The crowd hold their breath, three chews is all it gets before he spits it out, and pronounces.

'19th July, St Alfred's feast, the King ate this as a canapé.'

The pudgy priest is then craned along the table to your offering, he peers at it but his clay features are really hard to read.

A fork is lifted and the priest is fed baby style once again.

He takes a bite, you just don't know what to do, if it's bad then you'll be executed just like all the others!

He begins to chew, the crowd is silent. . . . he then chews some more . . . then some more, and rather than spitting it out, he swallows, does that mean he likes it!?

'13th February, The Fire Fly Kings birthday celebrations.'

Oh no has the King has already eaten this meal?

But the priest continues, 'this will be a fitting dish for that date.'

Thank goodness what a relief, it would appear you have chosen wisely.

'Now that concludes this session, I suggest we reconvene at 2.30 for the second selection.'

Rather pleased you've escaped execution, you ask the person next to you what he means by second sitting. 'Oh later today you've got to go back out tasting again and find a new dish for the King.'

Oh no not again, you think to yourself, this is impossible, but there is no escape, see you later for more dishes for the Fire Fly King.

The end